SCOUTING REPORT - Minnesota whine-kings - week one

 

At Minneapolis Bird-Killer Stadium, noon Sunday
TV - FOX (Chris Meyers, GREG JENNINGS, Brock Huard, and Jennifer Hale)
Line - whine-kings by 2.5

TASTY TIDBITS

Football!!!! It kicks ass!! Football!! Fuck yeah!! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football! Football!

No fans inside Dipshit Stadium, but these fucktards will be piping in plenty of loud noises to aid their over-matched, crappy team against the defending division champs. That's their deal. Just fewer dumbasses inside without their whiny-ass fans. 

The game I keep thinking of this week is the 1994 season opener at Lambeau versus Dennis Green's  team in Mike Holmgren's third season. Much was made of the strength of the Minnesota offense, its ground game. Fritz Shurmer's unit bottled them up for a total of 46 yards on the ground and a lousy three offensive points. Packers plodded out to a 13-0 halftime lead before a Brett Favre fumble early in the fourth quarter was returned for six by James Harris to make it a contest at 13-10. Green Bay held on for a 16-10 victory behind their sturdy defense. The headline of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune the next day read, "Welcome to Green Bay." I think another very physical, black-and-blue season opener awaits us.

HEADING TO THE CITIES?

Why? There's a fucking pandemic and no one is allowed in the stadium. Don't worry, whine-kings fans won't be tailgating outside because they're lame-wads. Want to go the big Mall? Pandemic. Want to check out a concert at First Ave? Pandemic. Want to pick up a hot stud for anonymous gay sex at The Gay 90s? You can probably do that if you want. They're open and stuff like that.

This year fucking sucks and we all can't wait for the election to just be over with.

Minneapolis had a very difficult summer. My prayers are with it as it heals and recovers from the violence, murder, rioting, and shitty college football tradition.

Their fans are stoked to start sobbing and crying over every single call the officials make. Their favorite team is the one in stripes, not the one in purple. Just listen to their lame near-bear drinking asses cry about how sad they are about losing every single season. It's the refs' fault, not their shitty team. Go fuck yourselves, assholes.

LOWDOWN ON THE WHINE-KINGS

Who's left? Eight players departed the defense in free agency, including their top three cornerbacks. Stefon Diggs could not stomach another year in a Kirk Cousins offense, so he whined and begged his way to Buffalo in a trade. They got a whole lot younger, but not by choice. No one wanted to stay there. 15 draft picks this spring are vying for key playing time. This is what happens when you overpay for a quarterback who couldn't outrun Aunt Gertrude to the front of the line at Pizza Ranch.

Offense - Dalvin Cook will get a lot of carries, but his line can't block. Cousins likes to throw deep off play action, but he doesn't have any receivers who can get open. They fucking suck and will finish last in the division.

Defense - Mike Zimmer's defense is only as good as his corners, which are almost always outstanding. They're rebuilding this year. They'll be OK, but their contention window closed and won't reopen for a bit.

PACKERS!

The backup tackle situation is not great, but we can get through the first few weeks as long as David Bakhtiari (has he been extended yet?) stays healthy. 

The wide-zone running attack will be more of a thing, and I'm here for it. Pound the ball. Pound the ball. Pound the ball. Bomb to Davante. Smoke a bowl.

I don't want to waste precious words on the inside linebacker thing because Green Bay has not valued this position since drafting Nick Barnett. What? We drafted an ILB with the fifth overall pick in 2006? Who? Yeah, I stopped caring about the position right about then too.

Can we stop the run? That's the only question worth asking.

ELSEWHERE IN THE NFC NORTH

CHI @ DET noon Sunday, DET by 3