TV - FOX, same assholes as last week (Chris Meyers, Greg Jennings, Brock Huard, and Jennifer Hale)
Line - Packers by 6.5
All-time Series - Packers lead 102-72-7
TASTY TIDBITS
Fuck, it's Sunday already and I haven't written anything yet. Sorry. I hope both of you found something else to do for five minutes on Friday afternoon. I asked a lady out on a date for the first time in over 20 years, and I've been busy texting her and "flirting." Any advice? I've been told that nowadays it's common for a gentleman to photograph his penis and text it to a lady he fancies. This is how it's done now? I've never taken a photo of my privates before. What I was told is as long as I send it to her after 8 PM, it's not weird at all. Should I do this?
She's gorgeous and smart and successful and driven. We're going hiking for the first date. She's all about it... She probably is fairly confident in the fact that I do indeed have a penis. Do I really need to prove it to her with a photo? OK, I'll do it if you say it will help.
[time passes]
When I text her now, the box is a different color than my previous texts before I sent the pic. That's good, right?
You want to see it? Maybe the lighting wasn't right?
I'm just kidding, guys. I'm not going to post my dick pic on here. At least, not before week six. Besides, I'm a ghost who writes about football. Football! Football? Fuck, it's gameday. Sorry. This lady is so pretty. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything other than how nice her hair smells. She has a dog.
HOME OPENER
No fans in Lambeau. I'll make the joke about how the team is ready for the reduced noise because they've played two Gold Package games every year and the old people who drive up from Milwaukee are too tired hauling their oxygen tanks to their seats to make any cheers after scolding the people in front of them to, "SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!" They should be ready. It was awesome seeing Aaron Rodgers draw the vikings offsides with his hard count in their own shitty stadium last week. Gave me a boner.
Now, whenever I get a boner, I think about how special and awesome this lady is. My heart goes pitter-pat, my cheeks flush, and I forget about it. All I want to do is make a creamy cajun pasta dish for her to enjoy before hopefully devouring her for dessert. I oil up my pectorals and biceps so she can get a nice view of the gun show when it's time. That would generate plenty of crowd noise, if you know what I'm saying...
Leaves are turning. Apples are ready for picking. If you are in Green Bay, you could go get a pumpkin or two, carve them up, and make sweet love on the hard wood floor as if there is no tomorrow. Just don't show up in the parking lots expecting to tailgate. Not allowed. Yet.
LOWDOWN ON THE LIONS
Matt Patricia is perpetuating stereotypes of former Patriot assistant coaches who suck ass on their own. He is 9-24-1. That's not good. Maybe he needs time for his system to take hold. He has not been able to teach Detroit players or draft picks how to play his defense, so he traded for a bunch of old, former Patriots this offseason to plug them in. Bill Belichick gladly took Patricia's draft pics in exchange for discarded parts.
Heading into this week, Patricia will be without his top two cornerbacks. Rookie Jeff Okudah will make his first NFL start. Okudah will most likely shadow Davante Adams, so he will learn a lot about how All Pro receivers make burnt toast. Hopefully Aaron Rodgers' arm doesn't get tired from throwing to open receivers all afternoon because New Orleans is up next.
The Lions offense is often described as explosive, but Darrell Bevell is the offense coordinator. I've never associated the words "Bevell" and "explosive" before. Matthew Stafford can sure chuck that ball... to the other team... two or three times a game... for over a decade.
Former Badger, Quintez Cephus, who had a very interesting undergraduate experience, will get lots of playing time. He knows how to get open.
Remember Ndamukong Suh? What an asshole.
PACKERS!
Tom Silverstein's article this morning on how much better the offense is now that Jimmy Graham is gone is biting, and hilarious. Spoon took the gloves off and I'm here for that.
Why do we even have an AJ Dillon if we're not going to use it inside the five yard-line? The red zone offense was bad early on. I'm not an NFL play caller. I'm just ghost trying to put himself back out on the love market for the first time in a long time with a very special someone. My opinion on what to call when you're on the one may not be the best. But if I had an AJ Dillon, I wouldn't be throwing the ball or getting cute. I'd give the ball to big boy and let him do what he needs to do.
Remember that "Waupunga" joke from junior high? "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'" Gets me every time. I've wanted a Waupunga back on the team for a long time. AJ could be the guy who creates his own holes, whether they're there or not, he's going in.
Kenny Clark hurt his dong muscles so he won't be playing. Detroit could well rack up 200 yards on the ground making this a close game. But how about that defense the first three quarters last Sunday? That was awesome. Granted, Kirk Cousins is not good.
ELSEWHERE IN THE NFC NORTH
NYG @ CHI noon Sunday, CHI by 5.5
MIN @ IND noon Sunday, IND by 3
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