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Brian Gutekunst and I were crushing High Lifes while
fishing this week. I asked why he didn’t draft a receiver like how all the
Rodgers carpet-munchers were begging for. He told me, “Charles, I drafted my
receivers in 2018. Marquez Valdes-Scantling and Equanimeous St. Brown are my
guys, and that’s all you fuckers are going to get. And I signed Fun Cheese this
winter. You like Fun Cheese? I like Fun Cheese. He’s big and slow, the fan base
is going to love him.” He leaned back, whipped his dick out, and pissed into
the lake without breaking eye contact. “You like how I draft, man?” He’s a
weird dude.
Devin Fun-Cheese. The marketing possibilities are strong,
but limited.
If anyone truly believes the offense is going to be worse
in Matt LaFleur’s second season, you need to put some oven mitts on and go fuck
yourself. The triplets of Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Jones, and Davante Adams
combined with a top-five offensive line is going to put up a lot of points. It
will be better. The draft signified a move to a power run game, which has me
aroused. The system in its second year will evolve and improve. Chill out.
I will grant you that the crew who joins Mr. Adams in the
receiver room is a shit show.
I had a dream the other night that Ahsoka Tano and
Sterling Sharpe had teamed up to fix the receiver situation. Sterling was a Force
Ghost, even though he’s not dead. But Sterling isn’t a Jedi, is he? He’s a
Packer. Same fucking thing. When he broke his neck, he joined the Living Force
and is now able to guide, protect, and transform Packers receivers from chicken
shit into chicken salad.
Ahsoka was guiding this operation, much like she did
while liberating Onderon and Mandalore in the Clone Wars all by her fucking
self because she’s a bad bitch. You may ask, what’s with all the Ahsoka
love lately, Charles? For those who don’t know, Ahsoka is a righteous ex-Jedi
powerfully roaming a galaxy far, far away. She was wrongfully accused of
betraying the Jedi Order and was discharged. Anakin Skywalker, her Jedi Master,
proved her innocence. Yoda begged her to rejoin the order, but she was like,
“Shove my lightsabers up your ugly frog ass, motherfucker. You don’t want me or
believe me? Fuck y’all.” So, she left. The one relationship that meant more to
her than any other was with Anakin. He stood for everything she believed in and
cared about. Then Anakin decides, “Fuck it. I’ll become Darth Vader, kill all
the Jedi, and call myself dead because I fucking suck.” Ahsoka now roams the
galaxy, alone, without a tribe, as a total badass.
The independence, grace, and power of her character in
spite of betrayal hits me hard. A live-action, age-appropriate version of
Ahsoka played by Rosario Dawson will be in the upcoming Mandalorian season. I
need this, badly.
While watching The Force Awakens the first time, I
kept thinking to myself, I can handle Brett Favre playing for the vikings, but
I cannot handle Luke Skywalker going to the Dark Side.
The story of my dream obviously led to Allen Lazard, our
latest Sir Galahad fixation. Sterling showed him how to become a freight train
with Stickum by levitating footballs and Kenny Clark in the air. A new,
dangerous weapon emerged for the Packers in the ongoing war against the NFC
North.
Aaron Rodgers rolled his eyes. Ahsoka kicked him in his
overly sensitive balls. Danica Patrick drove by on Oneida Avenue, slowly. Kyle
Busch and several other drivers raced past her. Matt LaFleur called a running
play. Larry McCarren and John Kuhn embraced in the media tent. Jason Wilde
whined about the cost of LEGOs. Gutekunst took his shirt off so he was only
wearing tiny, short jorts. I put on “Roll With the Changes” on my boom box. Ahsoka
put her big, tentacled head on my shoulder. Everyone agreed it is time for
championship number 14.
Then I woke up and Allen Lazard still couldn’t use the Force to get open and catch touchdowns.
Fuckin’ Jeff Janis.
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