 |
| Seneca Wallace put his dick into a lot of sourdough loaves this spring. |
Like everyone else, I got
heavy into K-pop during quarantine. I spent a ton of time in the kitchen
learning to bake and on YouTube exploring BTS, BlackPink, EXO, and now I STAN
Mamamoo! Honestly, I stan Moonbyul, but her fellow bandmates are dope too. If
my soul is called back into a lifeform again, I pray it is as the rapper in an
all-girl K-pop group. I would be hella good. I got a sweet ass and mad-fly
rhymes (but only in Korean).
We are all fat as fuck
after staying inside for almost three months. Do not let the media lie to you. Nobody
did jack shit other than eat cookies and chips all fucking day while watching
reruns of Super Bowl XXXI too many times. No one is crushing it right now.
Our brothers and sisters
in Minneapolis finally have something shittier than their football team to
unite against. Racism sucks. Injustice sucks. Murder sucks. So do the Vikings,
but not as bad as those things.
What will emerge from this
time is a community mindset. Look at the awareness the virus has caused in our
interactions. Look at how powerfully the voice of Black Lives Matter, AND THEY
DO – BLACK LIVES MATTER, has allowed uncomfortable conversations to happen. As
one human race on this planet, we are all coming together. Voices of unity are
powerful. Voices of division are weak. I want to unite.
If you are a Packers fan,
I mean. If you like the bears go eat a bag of dicks. I want to unite Packers
fans. Go back to Illinois and pray your EZ Pass has funds in it, fuckers.
I miss Weird Twitter from
2012-14. Everyone was breakdancing with cops then. Now, nobody is down with the
bacon. The negative voices, the ability to whine, and quantity of fellow whiners,
can make that platform, the most beautiful social media platform of all, toxic.
The NFL draft was the
greatest thing that happened in the month of April. It was wonderful. It was
normal, but different. Christmas morning for Packers fans – we got a bunch of
new Packers under our tree.
And it could not stop some
fans from shitting themselves and crying about every second of it.
We traded up to pick
Jordan Love. I love the pick. “The hardest time to find a quarterback is when
you don’t have one.” – Ron Wolf. I never want to be in the position that
Chicago and Minnesota have been in recently where they had to pick Mitch
Trubisky and Christian Ponder. Everyone is butt-hurt over this. Why? Do you
like Aaron Rodgers? I mean, I like when he plays well and wins games, but would
I hang out with him? Dude is weird as fuck and super sensitive. He’s got Ricky
Stenhouse Jr’s sloppy seconds. Ricky Stenhouse Jr?? Fans crucified Bob
McGinn for his article criticizing Rodger’s shitty play in elimination playoff
games the last decade, but he was not writing fiction.
What happens if Aaron
Rodgers gets hurt? Seneca Wallace happens. Brett Hundley happens. When those
things happen, it causes sad feelings to happen inside me that I am afraid to
face. This makes self-destructive behaviors happen. Jordan Love is better than
the stiff we had as backup last year. Do you even know that dude’s name? I
think it was Jack McFuckinsucks from Kentucky State A&M. Susan Boyle?
Brian Gutekunst went on to
draft a Wookie running back, a tight end (that position group fucking blew
goats last year), and three offensive linemen. If he turns the offense into a power
running machine, I’m here for it. You should be too.
I am grateful we had a
draft. I am grateful camps are scheduled to open in July. I am grateful games
are looking like they will happen this fall. I’d rather watch Rodgers and the
Packers torch Nick Foles and the goddamn bears twice this year instead of
people busting up Goodman’s Jewelers on State Street. We need this.
Comments
Post a Comment