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| I was there and totally framed this shit. |
Many readers are concerned this will be an absolute hatchet-job
piece where I destroy the pathetic, goddamn bears due to my own prejudices.
Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a fair, balanced, and admirable
look at our wretched, shit-eating rivals to the south. Their franchise has won the second-most
NFL titles in league history, nine (1921, 1932, 1933, 1940, 1941, 1943, 1946,
1963, and 1985), and deserve some respect. It is, however, worth noting a large number of those titles
happened during the war years against rosters filled with disabled players over
the age of 60 who were unfit for military service, but congratulations to the
goddamn bears for being second-best behind the glorious Green Bay Packers.
The goddamn bears have more Pro Football Hall of Fame
inductees, 28, than the Packers do, 25. Why is this? Chicago has an
edge in players inducted in the 1920s at six to one. George Halas is inducted
as a player, coach, and owner, while Curly Lambeau is only inducted as a coach.
Halas couldn’t hold Lambeau’s jock as a player, so that’s stupid. When the Hall
of Fame started looking at who to induct in the early 1960s, they relied
heavily on Halas’s recommendations, but never once reached out to Lambeau.
Verne Lewellen is a notable omission from the 1920s players – Lambeau and
co-founder George Whitney Calhoun both named Lewellen as one of the top four
backs who played for them. Let them have this, because it won’t last for long
after Charles Woodson, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and, hopefully, LeRoy
Butler are all inducted. Mitch Trubisky will not be.
September 17, 1920 – The Decatur Staleys are
founded, sponsored by the A.E. Staley Food Starch Company, and promptly begin
sucking.
1921 – George Halas buys the team for $100 he
earned from giving nickel handjobs on elevated train stations. They played
their games at Wrigley Field, so he changed the name to the goddamn bears because of the fucking cubs.
November 27, 1921 is the first game between the
goddamn bears and the Green Bay Packers. Tarzan Taylor of the goddamn bears
sucker punched Cub Buck of the Packers starting generations of bullshit from
the Chicago club.
Curly Lambeau gets three Notre Dame buddies to play in a
non-league game against the Racine Legion that December, after a blackout drunk the night before in Milwaukee, hoping to sign them to
his team for the 1922 season. Halas pulls some bullshit by writing fictitious
articles in the Chicago Tribune and paying off other owners (with his tight-fisted handjob funds) to get the NFL to expel
the Packers from the league, allowing him to sign the three Notre Dame players.
Halas allows the Packers back into the league the following summer after proving
himself to be a shit-eating coward.
1923 – Halas enjoyed eating his own feces. His
whole family loved to eat shit. He realized that summer that since he owns a
football team, he could make all his players eat shit too. Thus begins the
disgusting training table practice of coprophagia where the team routinely eats
entire meals of human excrement.
1928-1930 – The goddamn bears lose seven straight
games, including five consecutive shut outs, to the far superior Green Bay
Packers.
1940 – The Monsters of the Midway years begin with
Sid Luckman at quarterback. The team won four out of five NFL Championship Game
appearances between 1940 and 1947 against the war-ravaged rosters of other
teams. The goddamn bears beat the Washington R-Words 73-0 in the championship game
after Halas broke into the R-Words’ locker room and stole all their cleats.
December 14, 1941 – One week following the attack
on Pearl Harbor, the goddamn bears beat the Green Bay Packers in the Western Division
playoff game, 33-14, at Wrigley Field.
1956 – George Halas does a decent thing and
travels to Green Bay to lobby for citizens to vote for the construction of the new
City Stadium, later renamed Lambeau Field following the founder’s death in
1965. This was an instrumental act in preserving NFL football in the league’s
smallest remaining city.
1962 – Halas buys the current “C” logo that looks
like the seat on a public bathroom toilet so, “Everyone will know what we’re
all about.” He was referring to coprophagia.
1970s – The bears still suck.
September 7, 1980 – The goddamn bears lose the
season opener at Lambeau Field as Packers kicker Chester Marcol, blasted out of his mind on cocaine he scored in Sturgeon Bay, scores a game-winning touchdown as time expires after catching his own blocked field goal attempt, proving
how much Chester loves him some bouncy tiddies and how much the goddamn bears suck.
November 1, 1983 – The day after her father’s
death, Virginia McCaskey takes over as principal owner. In the old blog I wrote
many unkind things about Virginia McCaskey, routinely pointing out that she is a
street walker and prostitute. This was wrong. Shaming sex workers is wrong. I’m
sorry. I’ve learned and grown since. Chicago fans love Mrs. McCaskey for her
passion for their team and, “that thing she does – you know.”
1985 – They have that one good season
that one time.
November 23, 1986 - I slammed Jim McMahon to the ground, tearing his rotator cuff and ending the goddamn bears run of titles at one, after that dipshit threw an interception.
1985-1989 – The goddamn bears win eight straight games against the Packers. This streak ends on November 5, 1989 when Don Majkowski hits Sterling Sharpe with a late, fourth-down, winning touching pass. This is known as the “Instant Replay Game” because it is so awesome to watch over and over.
1994-1998 – The goddamn bears lose 10
straight games to the far superior Green Bay Packers.
1996 - The Packers sign Jim McMahon and make him watch them win a Super Bowl.
2000-2003 – The goddamn bears lose seven straight
games to the far superior Green Bay Packers.
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| Original artwork by Charles Martin |
April 2, 2009 – Thousands of Illinois children
learn what a douchebag is after Jay Cutler is obtained in a trade with the Denver
Broncos.
January 23, 2011 – The Green Bay Packers win the
NFC Championship Game at Aaron Rodger’s new house, Soldier Field, 21-14. The Packers
leave Chicago with the George Halas NFC Championship Trophy in the greatest
event ever seen by human eyes.
November 20, 2011 – Jay Cutler breaks his thumb
against the San Diego Chargers. Brian Urlacher steps up to help Cutler in an
ultimate teammate move with the Old Papa Bear Handy.
December 14, 2011 – Chicago receiver Sam Hurd is
arrested after trying to purchase massive quantities of cocaine from ICE
agents.
December 29, 2013 – About to win an NFC North
title, the goddamn bears lose on a last-second fourth-down bomb from Aaron Rodgers
to Randall Cobb.
December 18, 2016 – Another last second bomb from
Aaron Rodgers, this time a 60-yarder to Jordy Nelson to set up a winning field
goal, dashes the hopes of the Chicago faithful at Aaron Rodger’s house.
April 27, 2017 – GM Ryan Pace trades the third, 67th,
and 111th picks of the draft and a third-round pick in the 2018 draft
to the San Francisco 69ers to ironically select Mitch Trubisky of North
Carolina instead of Patrick Mahomes. Metrosexual hipsters across the north side
sneer delightedly at this sick prank.
September 28, 2017 – The goddamn bears relinquish
the lead in the all-time series against the Packers for the first time since
1934.
November 12, 2017 – With Aaron Rodgers injured,
this time Brett Hundley throws a 50-yard bomb to Davante Adams with two minutes
left to seal the goddamn bears annual loss to the Packers at Soldier Field.
2018 – The goddamn bears trade for Khalil Mack.
They still suck. They lose in the playoffs to the Philadelphia Eagles on the double-doink field goal miss, breaking coach Matt Nagy's fragile mind and ego forever.
2019 – The bears still suck.
2020 – The bears still suck.
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